By Taoist Priest Alan Tillotson, nominated for World Presidency in 1997
I would like to share with you a remarkable new discovery I made last week. (Before I begin, I want to assure you that, as a Taoist priest, I am forbidden to lie.) I have been working underground in the health care field for over 20 years, so I have had plenty of time to fill out and mail in coupons, and last month I won a free trip for two to a tropical island. I brought my dog Elmer. While wandering around ancient volcanoes, Elmer began to yip excitedly, so I followed him to the top of a small dead volcano which appeared by the lack of discarded Coca Cola cans to have been forgotten since the dawn of time. Elmer had been trained by me to eat a diet of pure health food since birth (my leftovers), and I knew that yip meant some sort of health product must be close. But I wasn't prepared to find what I did - Super Blue, Green, Yellow Magnetic Volcanic Colloidal Nino Juice.
At first I didn't know what I had found. As I peered into the void, all I could see was what looked like an oil slick surounded by tiny little trees. The trees were magnificent, like those Japanese things - you know, the little trees that look like big trees. I used my cellular phone to call my friend Professor Albert Schatz, PhD, spiritual healer and soil scientist, who quickly deduced that the volcanic soil, perhaps the oldest soil on earth, had strange magnetic qualities that it got from being originally at the center of the Earth, and someone had dropped some Nino seeds into the volcano, which sprouted and absorbed the magnetic colloidal minerals from the volcanic ash, which then produced the tiny trees with their blue, green, yellow fruits. (Nino is an ancient beverage drink used by Islanders to induce visions, dye their hair, and stop diarrhea.) He could not deduce the effect of the fruit, however, without trying some. Elmer, however, had already eaten several thousand of the fruits (which are really tiny), so when I returned to my hotel, I watched anxiously. All that seemed to happen at first was that Elmer stopped defecating or urinating, and his musculature changed almost overnight. Originally a weenie dog, he now resembled a german shepherd. Elmer is actually a girl dog, but I didn't know that until his first heat, after I had named him, so I wasn't surprised when all the male dogs in the area began to gather around the hotel lobby.
To make a long story short, we discovered that Elmer was now exuding a super strong pheromone - you know, that smell that insects and people give off when they are in rut - that made him irresistible. Dogs came from all over the island. It was like a riot. Some people believed that this had something to do with the two whales that beached that afternoon, but I am a bit of a skeptic. I need real proof before I'll believe anything.
Months of research at my apartment back home brought out the real truth. Super Blue, Green, Yellow Magnetic Volcanic Colloidal Nino Juice enters the colon, and the suspended particles magnetically attach themselves to the colon membrane. There, their unique colloidal blue, green, yellow structure causes them to absorb all sorts of food, juice, vitamins, minerals, trace minerals, fat, carbohydrates, proteins, anthraquinones, glycosides, and cosmic vibrations, and transform them into pure energy. This is why Elmer stopped defecating. The juice also transmutes all negative energy, including industrial filth, air pollution and even sugar, into its sub-atomic state, where is is hydolized and hydrogenated into amino acid carbon chains which reform into energized spring water particles which your cells can absorb without producting waste products. This is why you stop peeing too. The research is continuing, and we expect more to be added to this e-mail and spread around as people transform themselves with the product.
Our group, the Super Blue, Green, Yellow Magnetic Volcanic Colloidal Nino Juice Marketing Association, has entered into an exclusive contract with the Native People around the volcano, who had heard about the success of their relatives in the casino business. They are now growing them at the secret volcano site. To live forever (no one who has used the product has yet died), send me your credit card number, and your first shipment of juice, in thimble sized containers, taken one thimbleful each day, will arrive shortly. For an extra $100 per month, you can send your own Super Blue, Green, Yellow Magnetic Volcanic Colloidal Nino Juice story and your bank account number. We will bulk e-mail your story along with ordering instructions to millions of people over the internet for you each month. We will then deduct the cost of the juice from your credit card, and then ship the juice out for you, and then electronically deposit the money we receive back into your bank account, minus a small service fee. You don't have to do anything, and your bank account will grow pyramidically, so, in addition to being eternal, (no one who has used the juice has yet died), you will be rich.
And don't forget about the pheromones you women will be exuding. At first we thought men were denied this benefit, but we later found that Super Blue, Green, Yellow Magnetic Volcanic Colloidal Nino Juice increases testosterone by 492%, and the combination of that with the new muscles and increased bank account creates a similar effect on the opposite sex.
Yours in Health,
Alan & Elmer
Warning: This product is not intended to treat any disease, and should not be used during pragnancy or ovulation unless under a doctor's supervision. The above statements have not been evaluated by the FDA.
Address all orders to:
- Super Blue, Green, Yellow Magnetic Volcanic Colloidal Nino Juice
Chinese Hong Kong Discount Industrial Surplus Warehouse
Canoga Park, Ill. 696969
To all the people who wrote me asking the right to distribute the Nino juice satire, I at first hesitated, but Elmer can now control me telepathically, and he swayed my vote.
Anyone can copy, change, add, delete or do anything else they want. Help yourselves! Add this to the bottom if you want.
- "In the Super Blue, Green, Yellow Magnetic Volcanic Colloidal Nino Juice Zone cookbook." only $19.95.
- "Anal Retention Enema of Super Blue, Green, Yellow Magnetic Volcanic Colloidal Nino Juice for the elderly and infirm." (Pamphlet) $4.95.
- "The Tuna Flavored Super Blue, Green, Yellow Magnetic Volcanic Colloidal Nino Juice Science Diet," by Elmer Canine Fido. $7.95.
- Free with your order - "Grandma's Super Blue, Green, Yellow Magnetic Volcanic Colloidal Nino Juice Jello recipes."
Taoist priest Alan Tillotson
A priceless addendum:
From me, referring to this article, on alt.folklore.herbs in January 1998:
THIS article will tell you that Super Blue, Green, Yellow Magnetic Volcanic Colloidal Nino Juice will cure dandruff, death and taxes, and make you irresistible to the opposite sex to boot.
So Rabbi Moshe <firstname.lastname@example.org> defended his stance (selling noni over a MLM scheme):
It worked for Elvis! Look at how many people see him these days. He's looking good, baby.